Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder…
In the early part of 2019, my struggle with mental illness came to a dramatic point, and dragged on over the course of the year. By the end of 2019, I was convinced that due to my memory loss, my seizures, and my extreme mental illness symptoms, that I was going to die of some extreme form of undiagnosed illness. And while it wasn’t the illness, or outcome I was expecting, I wasn’t exactly wrong.
Without treatment, I would’ve likely lost my life to the obstacle I was attempting to overcome. When I was finally diagnosed- it was shocking to say the least. I have been living with dissociative identity disorder for well over 21 years, and the symptoms that I was experiencing was simply what I now see as an internal explosion of everything that had been repressed for so long.
This story, is long, complex, and dangerous. This blog is an attempt to further document our experiences with this confusion and misunderstood mental health condition.
We ask you treat us as a system on individual identities sharing one form. While we may look like one person, we function more as a highly dysfunctional group together.
Many of us struggle with seperate issues along with our overall diagnosis of DID. We (various alters) have been diagnosed with BPD, CPTSD, OCD, and Bipolar 1 with psychosis features, depression, as well as several forms of self harm and eating disorders. We also struggle with our human form being disabled, as we have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, POTS (a heart condition,) post Lyme, and IBS/IBD.
We do not pity ourselves however, and we don’t view ourself as hero’s. Despite a plate full of obstacles we simply wish to be treated as humans. We don’t wish for your sorrow on our behalf, but if you would like to know us better and understand our story we welcome you to a journey into the many minds that dwell in this unfortunate being.
My Latest Posts
- I’m not sure how to tell who I am.I’ve been thinking about who I used to be, and I know them, it feels comfortable. But after so much I have changed so drastically, others in the system have changed as well- so much so their past parts are almost completely unrecognizable, almost as if they’re new parts rather than old ones who grew. … Continue reading I’m not sure how to tell who I am.
- Psychogenic Non-Epileptic SeizuresThey started around 18 months ago now. The doctors described them as epilepsy for a while, before the tests revealed I didn’t have epilepsy. There was no reason for my seizures whatsoever. The weirdest part, they thought, was that the convulsions looked like a grand mal seizure, but my eyes would be open. I wouldn’t … Continue reading Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures
- I’m not used to knowing I have dissociative identity disorderIt’s been a year of knowing that I’m not living “alone” in this body, a year of knowing my neurological pathways are a little different in that I have many identities in one human form. Though, I never get used to it. At least I haven’t yet. It never fails to leave a certain discomfort … Continue reading I’m not used to knowing I have dissociative identity disorder
- Black OutsIt starts out usually in a semi familiar environment- usually somewhere around my house, sometimes various places in my neighborhood, though there have been the odd time I’ve ended up in a completely different town than I’m used to being in, apparently having taken a bus route or two that I’m unfamiliar with. That’s always … Continue reading Black Outs
- The one who’s eternally suicidalI always start feeling it come on slowly- I’ll be irritable and suddenly it’s not me responding. My words sound harsh and cruel coming from my mouth. It’s my voice, but it’s not my feelings, not my inflection, not my words. This is when I know I’m not going to be around much longer. I … Continue reading The one who’s eternally suicidal
- Amongst ThievesI have begun to tell this story in no particular order. You’ll have to forgive me, but to understand the depth of my confusion, I must allow you to be on the same level of understanding. To begin, I am an alter in a system with dissociative identity disorder. I have no particular memories of … Continue reading Amongst Thieves